the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
