I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
