Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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