Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
