Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Small penises have feelings too.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
