I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
