After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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