Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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