I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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