at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
