I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
