I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize