I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
