Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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