her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I checked into jail on foursquare
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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