my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
