I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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