Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
