May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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