I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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