Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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