so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
