I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
