so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I think I sprained my soul last night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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