i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
