bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
