Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
