dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
