So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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