So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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