Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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