I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
