there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
