Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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