Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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