She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize