half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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