i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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