i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
