Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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