I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize