Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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