so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
