I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
