I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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