my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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