u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
