I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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