I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
