the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
