evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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