Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
where are my eyebrows?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
