Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
