Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
