So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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