We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
