I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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