The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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