Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
